Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Montreal - how hard can it be?

It's a Wednesday evening mid-July, which means that there are fireworks in the Old Port. My birthday was yesterday, I am now 25.

As I listen to the music and try to match the fireworks to the beat, thoughts of him run through my mind. It's not real, there isn't a him to speak of. There never was - he never existed, nor did the possibility of him and me. But there was once a 'he' who thought he loved me. Who said something like "when we'll be married". And although I have no regrets in not being married by now, nor any illusions on where that relationships could have ever gone (hint: nowhere), it still pleases me to think. To imagine. To torture myself with the remote, tiny possibility that... there might have been something there. I've been doing this for 6 years, on and off. I'm an expert at it.

If I were to look at one single major problem I've got, is being too much in the past. I used to have a crush when I was 11. I held on to him (well, the distorted image of him) until i was 23. That's 12 years, folks! This 'newer' guy, for 6 years. I've had others (other thoughts, I mean), I won't mention them here.

I hold on to crap. I think about the past and how lovely it used to be... when it really, wasn't so. Otherwise, I would have liked it. Seized it. The past wouldn't have been the past anymore - but the present, re-created. I would have KEPT the past, if it were so damn good. It never was. It never was like in our memories.

Montreal, je me souviens

Tuesday, 8th of July 2014: 4 am

We arrive at Cairo airport, my car driver and I. He's dropping me off, a service for which I paid 80 egyptian pounds, roughly 12 canadian dollars. He checks the terminal with me, makes sure I'm at the right one to board my AirFrance flight, then takes off. It's ok, we've only exchanged a couple of words during the trip anyway. Mainly (one thing that surfaced near the end of my trip) how Egypt is so plagued with the absence of tourists that even dis-honourable tricks are condoned. After 3 years of struggles, people are very nearly desperate. Who knows how long it will be before the tourists return: 1,2, 5 years. Perhaps more.

I don't have time to get lost in the airport, for a woman dressed in blue heads straight for me and takes me and my very hefty luggage to the front of the queue. Here, people dressed head to toe in white, both men and women, are pushing their luggages through a big security scan. Why they do it before the airlines counter, I'll never know. My guide asks me for money (50 egyptian pounds, but I give her a 17 and say it's all I have left - true story), then pushes my luggage through the gates with the help of an assistant. He gets 7 pounds, she gets 10. Fair deal if you ask me.

Finally, after my purse, bags and clothes get thrown around and make it through unscathed, I get a greeting from a smily AirFrance attendant. She's kind and compassionate, and also seems to place foreigners above all. My bag's weight isn't commented upon; she never checks my hand luggage.
Next, I go through passport check. The guy makes sure I paid an entry visa, then hands the passport to the back of the tiny cubicle, to be stamped by a woman. Why are there women at the back stamping passports, and this is not done in one shot, I'll never know either. There must be a good reason.

I'm left with 1h30 to go to my flight. Much too much to spend in a place where departure gates are separate from the shopping area. So I look around, desperate to find something... to do. There's a small bookshop in a corner. "Do you have any Agatha Christie books?", I ask, like a true foreigner. I had been wanting to buy an A.C. book from Egypt, as a souvenir, but couldn't find any bookshops in Cairo, Luxor or Aswan (where the hotel she stayed at is still considered a tourist attraction). "Yes, I do, but they are all in arabic", he tells me. I choose to buy instead an English version of a book by a local author: the prize winner Naguib Mahfouz. I shall not be disappointed, as I am soon to find out. With a 7-hour layover in Paris, and grim weather, a book is desperately needed at this point. I forgot to mention: no laptop either. Too scared to care for it while also untangling the jungle that is Egypt on my first trip there.

Flights are uneventful. I watch plenty of movies, drink plenty of fluids, annoy the crap out of my neighbours trying to make it to the washrooms. I always sit at the window; always. It's the best spot.
I'm drawn to the crazy, bloody movies that have some history to them on this occasion. Perhaps it's the feeling of the middle-east, still rushing through my veins. I both hate and love it - but more on that another time.

We land in Montreal, at some point. I'm torn. Coming back to a place I both love and hate is an interesting experience. And this spring, after 2 years of living in Romania, I finally got why so many people from Eastern Europe immigrate here, and love it. It's freedom. It's freedom in how you dress, how you speak, how intelligent you are (or not). It's freedom to be different; in fact, you're expected to be different. Different people stand out; they're somehow better here. Being special is no longer a curse, it's a blessing. Being a genius is not expected, it comes as an extra bonus. No one expects greatness of you here, in exchange for just survival. You survive, regardless. At least financially.

But this freedom comes with a price - again, more on that later. I don't want to anger the gods.

I can appreciate now, the freedom we have here. Truly. I love this place for the people I love that are here, and for the leisure you have of being who you are, and for the government who does not let its people starve. At least, that's something. I won't need to fight for a daily bread anymore, nor will I be witness to people expecting the worse possible outcome every single day of their lives. But I hate, I can already feel the fear pulsing through my veins. Fear of the system. Fear of control, of the police ever patrolling. We are being watched, for real. It isn't Orwellian fiction anymore.

Days pass.

At first, I am hopeful. Dreams of a better tomorrow are showing themselves at every step. I can do so much here, be so much... but then, I guess, somehow, I end up looking to the past. Wanting to grasp things and people I used to know, wanting to see them again, touch them again, know they are real. Wanting to situate myself in a strange and empty land. Which is really a very normal thing to do, when you come back to a place you've been to before. You walk the known streets, you reminisce about times gone, you visit the same people you used to know....

Only, in my case, it doesn't work like that. I have a few 'friends' I can call, of course. But I rather doubt I'm still friends with most of them - I rather don't know if they still like me. It's been 6 years since I've left this place the first time, 3 since I've left it the second time, and for good. For the past 3 years at least, i've been nowhere here. Hardly kept in touch. Facebook closeness isn't real, everyone knows that. And to be honest, my opinions and world views and way of life have so much changed, I doubt anyone would know who I am anymore.

So perhaps, instead of dreaming impossible things and waiting for things to work out the way they used to, I should look ahead into the future. I should start with new people, and new pass-times, and new, fresh ideas. I should push for jobs and opportunities I've never tried before.

Because, after all, what's moving but a great new adventure? Even if you happen to move to a place you have mixed feelings about....

Friday, July 4, 2014

The Nile runs through it...

I wonder if the great Egyptians ever thought their temples and statues will last as far as 3000 to 4000 years. I wonder if they expected them to last forever, as a shrine to what they had accomplished, each king or queen in turn, or if they were solely concerned with getting the best after life possible. I wonder if they knew, if they anticipated.... I wonder if they guessed that 20 generations and more will live from the tourism that these places bring to Egypt since the 18th century.

I wonder....

How great were the ancient people, really? Did they fear death, or were they simply playing a joke on us, ignorant mortals, by erecting tombs that would be discovered millennia after their first bricks being placed? Did they know, did they see the future? Or were they just as scared as we are, now?

It's majestic. It's beautiful here - so beautiful - yet so strangely 'normal'. It seems easy and natural to see buildings that are thousands of years old and in perfect condition after your first or second temple.

How hard did they fight for their power?

And how many secret rituals do we not yet know about?

Sunday, June 22, 2014

Reality, imagination, and the in-between

Have I been normal lately?

I feel there's a gap between the high, ecstatic moments that I've been experiencing, and the lows of some parts of my life. It's like I go towards a day, period, or event in my life full of good feelings about them, and full of great expectations, and yet the experience of the actual thing deceives me. And then, just when I'm about to lose hope, things get magically better. Energy starts moving, and I get on a high again. The dreams that I had dreamt to begin with get real.

But what's up with the in-between? Why is it so changing and why am I experiencing things I thought I was over with? like succumbing back into childhood, and becoming a little, scared and hurt kid again? What's up with THAT?

And how come I cannot keep up the happiness for more than 5 seconds? Is it just karma, or is something deeper at play? Am I not supposed to be happy for longer than that? - Ever?

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Giving birth

Writing a book is like giving birth to a child. It's amazing at first, planning the pregnancy, seeing the better picture, then it's excruciating when you give birth, mixed in with awesome and thrilling, and then, after months of labour, instead of hours, you see him or her. Your perfect, amazing little baby, crying in your arms. You feel his skin and breathing and you think: how did I ever feel this wouldn't be worth it? You see him next to you and you feel irrationally proud. And no matter what he or she becomes to be, what choices they make in their life, how successful or recognised or rich they become, all that you want is one thing: for them to be happy with who they are. 

So, as I release this novel into the world, I hope it will accomplish all that it wants to do. All that is seeks to be, reaches all the people that it wants to reach. I hope my story has a bright future, just as I'd hope for any kid of mine. 

Thursday, May 23, 2013

It's a nice story

We all love them - the 'Beauty and the Beast', the 'Cinderella and her prince charming', the 'Sleeping beauty and her prince on a horse'. The nice stories, the easy stories. The cute, predestined, meant-to-be crap. Only it isn't crap, not most of the time anyway. But there is such a thing as getting lost in a story. Getting lost in how good it looks or how romantic it would be, and ignoring facts. Ignoring feelings. And then, there's the opposite: ignoring feelings because you believe it's too perfect. It's too right. It couldn't possibly go that well for you; you couldn't possibly be living that fairytale. It's simply too impossible, that life would hand you out that much of... happiness.

There's the 'nice stories' that we get swept into ignoring reality, and there are the realities we don't allow ourselves to believe in because of their surreal feeling.

You know, life is that simple. It makes you happy - do it. It doesn't - don't. There's no catch.

Saturday, March 2, 2013

You can't have it both ways

Ladies, you can't have it both ways. You cannot have the man, as he would have been centuries ago, and the power. You cannot have both supremacy over the men, and them not behaving like they were threatened. They are threatened. They might still be, for a while. And that's ok. Because it's a work in progress.

I was reading N or M by Agatha Christie the other day, as she was telling a german soldier, refugee in England: "Don't be stupid. You can't have it both ways. You can't be both a refugee of a country we are at war with, and well liked in English Society. Be thankful you are here, alive, free, out of concentration camps."

It's pretty much what I'm telling you, too. Yes, maybe men are more of a wuss in today's times. Maybe they are still unable to process emotions. Maybe they aren't as keen on having powerful women as life partners, or maybe they shy away from making a commitment because of all the options available 'out there'. Maybe.

Of course, today as any other time, it depends on the man. On the soul, on the lesson.... on the chemistry. But remember your past - our past, as a world and a society. And remember that things used to be worse. Remember we used to be owned by men, at their disposal, disgraced without one. Remember we can life off our trade, write books, compose music, learn, marry for love, and generally enjoy life without being attached to a family or home. Remember we can choose - and we always will be able to choose, from now on.

And cut them some slack. It must be hard, losing your dominance as a species, after centuries of things being another way.

Thursday, February 28, 2013

Girls get jewellery

What do boys get? I was trying to estimate my net value, objectively, on the market, and realised my jewellery is, aside my Cutco knives, the most i have in this world. But what do boys get? At their birthdays, Christmas, Easter, holidays, random celebrations? Cars? Surely, those are miniature cars, and they don't last. Toys? Again, not worth anything today, unless they are collection.

They can still get pendants - well, one - but that's not nearly as valuable as a girl's evident dowry by the time she is 24. Birthdays, gifts from grandmas, gifts from relatives.... we're probably all worth at least a thousand pounds.

But boys? What do boys get?

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Guilty pleasures

Why do pleasures have to be guilty? Who came up with that phrase? Was it some well-known physician, knowing of the ills of the world, and human nature? Was it Jane Austen, perhaps, with her Mr Bingley and Marianne Dashwood, knowing the peculiarities of human nature?

I, for one, wish all pleasures to be guilt-free. It is true, to some extent, that oppression, or tension, or dismemberment of some sort, makes life more exciting, at times. Waiting and waiting for a phone call, or message, or... letter, is a blessing sometimes. Having all plain sailing kind of takes the fun out of it... or does it?

Have you even tried it, it all being plain sailing? Have you imagined a relationship with no qualms  a sure-thing, a trial without an error? Does it not feel scary, the thought of it? The thought of perfect, blissful happiness, with no woes to show for? Is it too hard to imagine, to risky to behold? What if it was possible, what if you had it - would you torment days and days on end, with the thought that it could not be? That there must be a catch? You probably would. So would we all.

Human nature asks for it, some psychologists might say, the adventure, the ups and downs, the thrills of uncertainty. The truth of it is, so few of us had had the opportunity of knowing happiness without the downsides; without the contrast. and if we did - had we been trained to rejoice in pure happiness, would it not have been easier, for us, to expect... and thrill in... a fluid, smooth and thoroughly happy living. 

Saturday, February 16, 2013


When is life bearable? Is it ever? 

Today, a good friend of mine told me my childhood crush is getting married. In September. And I am so happy for him - so happy for them, that they've found each other, and they chose to spend life together.... and like Ted in himym, I keep wondering: when will be my turn? I'm long gone past freaking out about the matter and worrying and torturing myself (recent events have thought me that), but still... When? 

I'm 24 soon, and soon enough I'll be 27. and then 30, and then 35... and then 40. And somewhere along this line, He should come along. I don't want a settlement. I do not want to marry for the sake of marrying. In fact, I care not about marrying at all. I just long, one day, to be someone's someone. And soon, so that we could have kids and not be impatient with them, so that we could be two young, brave souls, cruising on this earth together. I do not want a convenience marriage, a relationship for the sake of having one. I do not want to play it easy, and go to Australia, find a good-looking man (although, on second thought, that would be an idea). I want the love, a love, to fall in love. To have no doubts... no qualms  no dissatisfactions... to know, absolutely and with certainty, that he's the one.

Old fashioned? Maybe. Probably. Certainly. What does it matter? People should be allowed to get what they want most. And for me, this is it. My book, my life-path, my soul's calling, all dimm in comparison. Maybe that's why they make me work for it - so that I end up completing part of my mission in life, before settling into happiness. Or maybe that's a false thought.

But still.... when? And why not now?

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

First Mandala of the year - January

What did your first mandala of the year had? Mine was accurate in a bunch of regards, mainly depicting the journey into self-love. I won't post it online, as there is too much personal stuff. Instead, I found one to show you from online, somewhere. 

Source: Ryan Kerrigan Art

7 Random Thoughts

I've just realised that my forgotten blog, 7 Random Thoughts, has exactly 7 random thoughts in it. No more, no less. Self-fulfilling prophecy much? That's random.

Oh, and no, I did not plan it that way. Just stopped writing at some point.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

The Real Thing

How many of us do not dream of the 'real thing'? The one, both in love relationships, or jobs, or family-wise... the peace of a boheme living. We wish and cry to the skies "oh, but just give it to us!" "we deserve it" "I have suffered so much" "will God not be kind to me"?

The truth is.... we don't want it. We don't want it. We want to fail and try again, and go from wrong to wrong, always seeking. Always wondering ourselves why we didn't get it - although we know "why" all along. We just don't want it hard enough - not on that level. For if we truly, unmistakably wanted something, we would get it. Instantly. All those barriers and twists and turns of fate would be but jokes to our determined soul, to our determined being.

But no. We want to fail and miss and seek perpetually seeking.

For we are too afraid to get it right.

Thursday, January 17, 2013


It has dawned to me that this year is my year of endings. Or rather, that 2012 had been my year of endings (two theories there, either life path year numbers begin at the 1st of January, or on your birthday). 

Every single un-tidied end in my life, in my whole 'career' of lives, from the beginning of time as we know it, until now, has decided to play itself this (past) year. Not that I mind - now that I know it. There are roles, specific roles I once fulfilled, either in this life or another, that have played themselves out for one last time, in order to give me the absolute freedom of choice. 

All constructs, no matter how liberal or 'good' they seem, are in themselves limiting. All new age ideas, no matter how 'spiritual' and 'forward thinking' and 'evolved' they are, are only ideas. Mirrors, facets, parts of a whole. They do not define TRUTH - the only truth, the timeless truth, absolute truth. [side note: truth can never be 'absolute', the very definition of truth is absolute in itself; 'absolute truth' is a pleonasm]
All ideas of who we are are only definitions. Incomplete, limiting definitions. 

I do not want to live through a role anymore. I do not want to be something or someone anymore. Not a writer, not a composer, not a rich person, not a mother, a child, an 'enlightened' person, a healer. These are just roles, adjective we put onto words, restricting and limiting our freedom of self. 

So there are no dreams anymore. No dreams of ''one day, I'll...". No more. It just is, and all those things I used to want to be, I already am

Wednesday, January 16, 2013


Only one word for today: Closure is priceless.

Vive la liberté

Thursday, January 10, 2013

No More

I stumbled today across a text from Crimson Circle. It absolutely and unequivocally defines 2013 for me. In fact, my whole life from now on for me.

I'll quote a few passages to see what I mean.
"No more fights with yourself, and struggles, lack of Fulfilment. Just Ease and Grace."
"No more trying to figure it ''out'' anymore. Just ease and Grace."
"No more battling the demons. Just Ease and Grace."
"No more putting on a suit or armour when you wake up in the morning. Just allowing the Ease and Grace into your life."

To this, I'll add:

Make (you, me, everyone) this the year of Being Enough. Enough for yourself, enough for you to allow yourself to love yourself; enough for others, whomever or whoever they might be - enough for anyone to love you, if they wish so. Enough for everyone to either accept you fully for who you are or go away for good. Enough for others to realise their full potential.
Enough for society to wake up and be better. Enough for anything to come your way without struggle: money, possessions, peace of mind, love, care, trust, holiness - anything, anything, anything you want.

I have found my sovereignty. No more.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Prayer for self-love

Prayer for self-love

Dear God, Universe, Angels and/or Spirit

I pray to you to show me the way of loving myself. to guide me to fully accept who I am and who I ever was. I deeply desire to stop judging, criticizing or putting myself down; so please stop me whenever I begin doing so.

I wish to lead a simple life, without the incessant batter of my mind. I know to be worthy of being loved, fully and throughly, by anyone who crosses my path, starting with my own self.

It is my promise to you that from this day on, I shall cherish myself more than anything else on earth. I shall love myself fully, independent of the mistakes I make, the bridges I cross, and the outcome of my life. Please help me bring this promise to fruition.


Mandalas for the year

There used to be this superstition that what you do the first day of the year, you'll be doing the whole year ahead (is that still on?).

Well, I'm proposing to you a small exercice. Every year, on the first 12 days of it (January 1-12), I shall be drawing a mandala. Mandalas are usually used for meditation. They have a model within them, and either you colour it in order to meditate (and solve issues) on that specific theme, or it comes already coloured and charged with energy, and you simply look at it.

I'm asking you to make a different kind of mandala. Not the usual, symmetric kind, but a mandala in which you draw, inside a circle, anything you feel to draw. And this is the beauty of it: for each Mandala will represent a month of the year ahead. You do them, in the first 12 days of January, and then, at the end of each month, you compare notes. You see if anything you drew for that month rings true with what happened. You'd be surprised at how much you discover. [hint: psychic stuff!]

Ready? Pick up a pen, draw a huge circle on a page, and draw in it anything that passes through your mind. Be as creative and as free as you wish. Don't forget to give it a TITLE, and of course, write down the date. At the end of the month, we'll be revising what we drew, and see if we have been psychic or not.

An example to inspire you below. [colours are optional]

Image source:

Friday, December 28, 2012

A thought before year's end

My life - every life - is simply amazing. From the choices we make as children, to the opportunities or sorrows or joys we see as adults, everything is amazing. Have you ever thought how interconnected this world is? 

There isn't much to say, after the marathon of 2012 we (I) have been through. Only this:
I wish to convey a end-of-year blessing.

May we live without fear
May we love wholeheartedly
May we pray for forgiveness.

And most important of all
May we love ourselves fully.

Here's to 2013: The year of Care (self-care, caring for others, caring for the planet, and re-building our scrap of a society).


Sunday, December 9, 2012


Is there a time when the world doesn't exist? When you sleep, maybe - a deep, restful sleep. If you dream, even the dreams are a world. Because, you see, in-existence is non-existent. You exist, therefore the world is. I often wonder these days if anything else but ourselves truly exists in this world. You see the outside through your 'filters'. People around you exist and breathe because you are there to see them exist and breathe. Like the old monk's story: 'if a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?' 

I gather the answer to that one would be 'no'. Or, more accurately, there will be no tree and no forest. Or if there were, doubtful they'd be named at all. They would just be. And it wouldn't matter in the least wether they were or not.   

It baffles me how limited we are, and how little we are aware of our own limits. The world is in your head, literally. There is nothing outside yourself. NOTHING. Like a wise man said not too long ago: 

''There is no such thing as free will. Tell me one thing that "you" have that was not given to you? Just one thing. Your body is genetically passed on to you. The language you think in was here before you were. You breathe 16-20 times per minute requiring total dependence on the environment. There is no free will because there is no separate self to have free will. If you can find a separate self to have free will, I'd love to see it! This isn't a belief or philosophical position. It only requires a few minutes of honest investigation and it will be seen quite clearly there is no separate self to have anything called free will." - source: The Awakened Heart Center for Conscious Living

True, this. Maybe the simpler truth is that we need to learn how to believe - and give ourselves permission to believe - that we deserve more than that

Tuesday, November 20, 2012


There is nothing more important in this life than finding a meaning to it. Because when you have a meaning, as far-fetched or weird it might be, you have a reason to keep you going. As long as you have a desire, and you feel you can reach that desire and it will be worth the trouble, you keep going on. 

But when you realise nothing truly matters, and that all things are futile, then life changes drastically. There is no point to this life, I'm sorry to say. We kill ourselves (and each other) with expectations, fears, always trying to be 'better'. Has anyone asked the question: better than what? We already come in this life perfect; the world 'screws us over', if you will. We come as pure beings deserving of everything there is to have to experience: love, trust, freedom, wealth, everything. And then we forget or life makes us forget in the meantime, and then we evolve and search for our own permission to be happy. 

But there is no point to it. Because when you get, and I mean truly get, that you are enough and always were enough for everything you'd ever want, you're starting to get that every trauma, hurt and pain was futile. You get that you struggled so much... for nothing. That things outside yourself don't matter at all, and only did in the past because you allowed them to. You become desireless, because you realise nothing can make you happy. Happiness comes within... yes. But I refuse to be happy, by principle. Because I feel that it's so unfair that all those years of traumas, pain and suffering only brought me to the conclusion that I was torturing myself for nothing. I am mad at myself, for believing the world and acting in accordance with it. And I refuse to be happy - although I could very well be right now. I'm ashamed, every time I allow myself a glimpse of happiness. Because... because I cannot change the world I life in. I can help those people that allow themselves to be helped, but then so could any single therapist out there. Everyone I love is still in pain, to some extent, and there is nothing I can do about it. Except maybe be there and help them through... but it's their lesson to learn, anyways.

So I am a bit mad at the universe, you see. I'm pointless. I'm desireless. Things that used to give me pleasure or make me happy seldom have an impact on me. Small pleasures are everything at the moment, and I am so angry - so angry - for having been through all this crap only to get there. And so angry to have realised my own insignificance. 

Monday, November 12, 2012

The Law of Attraction

I can't believe I haven't written about this by now. Ok, so let's start.

I love how people are going crazy these days about the law of attraction. Something missing in your life? No worries, a bunch of affirmations repeated daily for a week will cure you of all illnesses, give you your perfect life-partner, and make you rich. No more, no less than that.

The affirmations are a good starting point.

However, they are only the icing on the cake. Sure, some people fake it till they make it. But when they make it, you gotta ask yourself: are they truly happy? Do they feel like they've deserved to make it? 

Expecting to solve your problems with this shallow understanding of the law of attraction is like putting make-up on top of an acne-full face [trust me, I know how that is], instead of going to the root of the disease and healing yourself once and for all. 

This is why, it is not enough to ''try and make yourself happy'' in order for your life to improve. I've told so many people this, and I will repeat it for as long as it takes you to get it: your problems in life, every single one of them, are caused by a deep belief that you deserve them. So, if your soul-mate cheats on you, somewhere deep in your subconscious, you secretly believe that's how much you're worth. The pain, the trouble - all of it. It's your own making. 

In the same time, there is nothing wrong with you. Let me explain: you are not too fat, too ugly, too stupid, too ignorant, too talented, too anything. You simply have a few glitches in your otherwise perfect energy field. And if you truly wish to change things, you need to confront them. Go deep within, and change the pattern, which has most probably been passed on to you from generation to generation, or brought by you from past lives. Again, this is not an exercice in blaming circumstances, but the reality of it is, ancestors sometimes do screw us up. Imagine 100 lives lived in fear of rape. 100 generations... no wonder you cannot attract a thoughtful and caring soulmate!

The one affirmation that I'd say has strong chances at curing about anything is ho'oponopono. Google it, or simply say it every day to yourself, or silently towards people you're having troubles with: ''I love you. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.''

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Arrivederci - Au revoir

There's this really stupid movie, 13 going on 30, in which the protagonist discovers that the love of her life has always been that 13-year old boy who loved her since the beginning. And she rejected him numerous times due to her judgments and insecurities. In the movie, she is allowed to go back in time and change one key event, in order for them to be together in the present. 

Well, I thought I was being given the same opportunity (or almost), but I guess not, after all. And somewhere in the process, somewhere in those 2 months since then, I've lost my will to live.

There's no point in being told you have an important mission to serve 'humanity' with, and then seeing the best thing that ever happened to you being taken away without explanations. Why would I keep living, if life is only a series of misfortunes and heartbreaks?

And I'm sorry to write this publicly on my blog. It's not about you or anyone reading this saving me. I am beyond salvation. I am beyond hope. I have made my choice a long time ago - it's all or nothing, and always was, for me. And right now, it seems like life's handing me nothing, so I'll go with it.

I love you all so much. Thank you for having been with me on my path, and for having helped me reach this point - whatever this point might 'lead' to. For the moment, I have a strong desire of annihilation of self. I want to not exist. And suicide won't really do it, because my soul will survive, and probably criticise me for doing it. I'll see my loved ones suffer from 'up above' or 'down below', and I don't want that. I'm simply asking... for the dissolution of my existence. For my world, and everything in it, to go away. Like the simple closure, or dissolution, of a facebook account. Pouf! and it all dissapears. Every thought, emotion, or word I've ever written.

I wanna go away... for good. 

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Unconditional Love

Growing up, I have always had this intense frustration about being loved. I used to cry and ask my grandma why the people around me don't love me like I want them to. There was this gap... between the ideal of love, the way I instinctively knew I could be loved, I should be loved, and the reality of it. And then, if they didn't love me unconditionally, then obviously there was something un-loveable about me, right? I also knew my capacity to love them was very high - and I am fortunate enough to be very passionate in my way of loving. In a "it's either all or nothing" kind of way. 

So I never truly felt loved, until very recently. I felt that I had the right to ask for more, that there had to be something more, a higher type of love which wasn't accessible yet.

Well, maybe... maybe this type of love is called unconditional love. I am lucky enough to feel that with my sister, both ways. A relationship which I've often neglected and wanted to run away from - desperately. And when I accepted the inevitable (we are family, after all), I discovered one of my best friends for life, and someone that I love so deeply... and the best part is, she does too. That's what soul-mates are for, right?

And maybe my whole path in life so far was in order to recognise love for what it is. To know that there is more; that I can feel more, I can give more, and if I can, so can others, in time. A big part of this, of course, is accepting their love too. Once you're open to it, there is so much... even in the darkest of places. My family loves me so much... despite everything that separates us (opinions, way of life, way of being, and fears), they really do love me.

And I love, too. I've learned how to, the rough way. I cannot say I'm perfect - but even then, there's love of self. Enough love towards myself in order not to beat myself up for being imperfect. There's a lot of freedom in giving and receiving unconditional love. As long as someone can accept you for who you are, and let you go your own way, they are loving you with all they have and all that they are. 

And anyway, anything in between is only their fears and traumas getting in the way. 

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Being the path

There's this quote by Mother Theresa, I believe, that says something like:
"I know God will not give me anything I can’t handle.  I just wish that He didn’t trust me so much."

Well, this is exactly how I feel at the moment. You see, embracing your own unique path has a lot of advantages. On a spiritual side of things, you get messages, flashes of information, intuitively know much more about everyone and everything in life. Sometimes it helps you go through it with more grace... sometimes it gets you in trouble. You see things that others have only heard of in fairy-tales...

The harsh part in all this is that you are often the only one who sees all of this. We're lucky to be many 'awakening', if you will, at this time on earth, but still each path is unique in its own way. Not sure anyone can truly understand you 100% and beyond. You are your path, and your path is within you. When you need guidance, you need to turn to yourself - for no one out there, no matter how well-intentioned or caring, can give you your answers. The universe does give you signs, but usually fairly general ones, and some that you understand well after the facts have been dealt with.

Self-reliance, at its best. But when you fail to manifest the things that matter to you the most in this life, you start asking yourself questions. If I am given so much responsibility, and so much information to deal with, how come I am also being tested so far in my faith? How come things don't happen for me the way I deeply want them to? (Not talking about an egocentric need here - but a deep, soul-based one). How do I know when I'm sticking to my path because it's right, or I'm sticking to it because my ego won't let me quit and resign? And accept the inevitable 'truth of life' everyone around me seems to believe is real? How do I know if my truth is real at all, especially when everything around me seems to prove otherwise? Why do I get to manifest certain things with an easy-ness beyond word, where as other things elude me completely?

And another one: just how far can I keep going? 

Thursday, October 11, 2012


Is there such a thing as destiny? After the crows incident (I saw 2 crows outside my window in London, and very loud ones at that, felt they were sent especially for me - crows mean encounter with one's destiny), life seemed to unfold for me in an already-planned manner. Although I didn't have any plans, or any definite plans, and was simply going with my gut feeling. And despite all of my efforts to calm myself down, affirm loud and clear that I create life and reality around me, at times it seems like Destiny (or my Higher Self, or whatever you like to call it) pulls me in a very definite direction, and I have no say over it. My only "choice" is to either go with it, or try struggling, pretty much in vain.

It was the same feeling when I moved to London - I was searching aimlessly for something to do or somewhere to be, and one day it seemed like fate, or something higher than myself intervened, and pushed me in the right direction. And again, when I changed my plane ticket to come to Romania, I had the same feeling. Like God was done with my bitching and worrying and doubting and had made the choice FOR me. So at one specific moment, it was like a higher force than myself took over, and showed me clearly the way; almost physically pushed me to the phone booth to make the change. 

Today, I saw this affirmation:

And initially the automatic response was to agree with it. On a day-to-day level, it can be true; your vibration and the way you feel does change the way people respond to you. And for the longest time I was a fan of this theory. Only in light of recent events, and what I feel in my core being to be true, there must be a plan. A plan with a few variations, maybe, but a definite, set-in plan that you're supposed to carry on in this life. 

A friend of mine once told me that your life is set-in stone, like a story that's already written. How you write it, how you form the letters, is up to you. But the skeleton of the writing is already there. So your only choice is whether you struggle against what God gave you to write, or if you smoothly write it with grace. 

It's not all 'bad' news, thou. It actually becomes pretty exciting, because it means good things will come to you whether you recognise them or not, whether you believe in them or not. 

If you have an important role to play on earth at a point in time, then you will be called forward, no matter how hard your struggle against it. And that solves my 'Hitler' question. Hitler was not a product of circumstances, or rather he incarnated specifically in those circumstances to carry his 'job' out on the planet. So it's not the circumstances who were auspicious, but him who was chosen to carry out the deed. A bit like in Harry Potter - only Harry could have done it, and everyone and everything converged to helped him on his path, for he was their only hope. In the same time, it was known that he will succeed in the end, no matter how disarming the trials seemed on the way.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

The Forsaken Place - Part 2

The surprise of the week (I think these are gonna be weekly posts, by the looks of it) was my grandpa's unexpected behaviour. You must understand that my grandpa is a dinosaur, a lost soul of an ancient world. His life is built on sweat, fights, and struggles. At any given point in time he is being betrayed or sold out by one of his own men, and bad luck in that area seems to stick around to him. That is, of course, because of his combative style. What you resists persists (another great lesson). He never gave up; even now, at 72 (I believe?) he writes his own weekly newspaper and distributes it all over town. Not to mention the endless books he's written about the history and culture of the area. An area not too many seem interested in....

So anyway, he offered me unconditional hospitality, for the duration of my life (and technically his), without limitations, or questions asked. Then, of course, he proceeded to want to understand my mission in life and 'how, exactly, I make the money'. I had no satisfactory answers. Energy healing work and space clearings and all that went totally over his head. Instead, he proposed I do something with (and I quote!) "my brilliant mind", as it would be a pity for it to be wasted. Ah, yes, my mind, both my fortune and sometimes my biggest enemy.

Because, you see, we can only go as far as your mind lets us, if we don't know better. Soul is limited to our perception of reality, at least in this incarnation on earth. Yes, we change and we move forward, but first Soul has to plant the idea in your being, then slowly you can see it with your mind, until the mind chooses to break free of barriers and unite with your divine will. A little bit like Inception, only this time it's an inside job. And an important one at that. 

How do you fight your mind, will you ask? You do not. You make it your ally, it's your only choice. The minute you see that the mind cannot always comprehend the immensity of reality, and you realise how much you don't know that you don't know, the first shadow of doubt is implanted. It takes nothing else, then, but time, until complete freedom. And if you are reading this, I'd say you're already on the right path. 

Fascinating, isn't it? Life.

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Levels of Consciousness

In any given day, I pass through 5-6 normal years in a person's life. Not exaggerating, and not boasting at all. It's not always pleasant nor comfortable. 

I guess it all started with the realisation that I can manipulate sleep and waking time. As in, I used to study for my exams in a crazy mode: 24 hours before one, I would cram for 2-3 hours, sleep for 1-2, cram, sleep, etc. You get the point. The result? The difference between being awake and asleep was being blurred. And although I have no more exams to pass (haven't had one for a year), that habit remains. And since I've had the luxury of taking life my way, without set-in schedules or many commitments, and due to the massive amount of traveling, I tend to dip in and out of levels of consciousness during a normal day.

I was joking with my stepmom, because we are supposed to see each other in roughly 3 month's time. And we both know those 3 months are more like 100 lifetimes combined. They aren't part of linear time anymore - especially not now, so close to 12/12/12. Yes, that is an important date for all humanity. 

It remains that the intensity with which I live my life definitely reflects in and because of my perception of time. I have ups and downs, yes, but it's more than that. It's like... sometimes I get access to a whole other way of being, and for days I can make it last. The old paradigm seems superficial and shallow now anyway; and I cannot be bound by heavy energies any longer than a few hours - it becomes physically unsupportable. I wanna die, almost, of pain when I'm in that zone. Because it isn't aligned with my general vibration and path anymore. 

In a way, it makes me harder to relate to. People need to wake up, and fast. There isn't any time! Or more accurately, there isn't time. Time is only... another fragment of our collective illusion. There isn't time. Nor space, nor past or present. We integrate (those of us who are ready) many past lives at this point in time, and many collective traumas remaining to be healed. There is no time for lost hope or indecisiveness. There is only the straight path to walk on, and we are beyond doubt and fear. I am beyond doubt and fear.

Who Am I?

I was telling someone, a lifetime ago, that when you know the eternality of your own soul, the powerfulness of your being, it feels very limiting to go back to your 'old' self, the limited version of yourself. This is partially why ascension happens, and once happened, there's no going back.

It is incredibly hard, if not impossible, to go from knowledge to not knowing. To know your truth - a truth - a timeless truth - and to go back and half-pretend it's not there anymore. This is why, no matter how hard I struggle, I cannot go back to not knowing. Even if the truth is emotionally painful sometimes, even if the truth doesn't match the current perceived "reality", I know it's true. And no matter how much my logical side of me struggles, there's no turning back.

A wise man said to me once that I should follow my heart, and make my mind obey what I feel to be truth. That instead of looking outside myself, at the 'real' world, and adapting myself to 'it', I should do it the other way around. I should feel how I feel, believe in what I truly AM, and then, slowly but surely, reality outside will start to manifest. 

So here is where I am at. And for once, I am not giving up. 

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

The Forsaken Place - part 1

It's been a week and a day since I've been here. There's honesty for you at its best. And to be fair, it has been the most amazing, and most challenging week (and a day) of my life! 

Today we went to one of our "farms" (yes, my folks here have a couple of farms, all bought with 50 years of earnings, and sustained by their sweat and their sweat only - quite a story, that is!). I've always been a city girl myself, hated the rural life - but I'm warming up to it, to say the least. The spiritual work I've been part of shows, and big time. I loved being there - close to the earth, and doing work, picking peppers and melons and what not. I loved it. Next time, I'm off to milk the cows at the other farm. And who knows, maybe I will trade my comfortable 'city' life for a bunk bed and the clear night sky. Wouldn't that be amazing?

In other news, Sunday saw me going to church, for the first time in a long time (wholeheartedly, that is). Aside from it being a wise thing to do when you're new in a small town (thank you countless western movies for that tip!), the church is an important place here. A place of worship, hope, guidance, and support. A bit like what I'm doing, but in a different hierarchy. 

A friend of mine, when told what I do for a living, said that if I would open something up here, in Vaslui, most people would consider me a witch, and asked me if I'm ready to assume that risk. Am I? For the first time in centuries, I AM. I won't be burned at stake, not in the literal sense anyway. And by next year, what I do will become so normal, so... mundane. So, yes, I'm ready to assume the challenge. I'm ready to wake people up.

First year of witchcraft & wizardry, here I come! Kinda excited about this one. And because no blog post is complete without a magical quote, here's one that's been on my mind for a while:
"Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light."

Saturday, September 29, 2012

Emotional Intuition

On the path to self-fulfilment, there is one obstacle one needs to be careful about. When you start listening to your intuition more and more, you have to be extremely careful not to mix it up with emotions. Or ego. 

We each receive tons of messages - divine inspiration, if you will, from ''above'', every day. Few of us listen to it - any of it. Mostly we cast them aside as being too far-fetched or insane to even bother. We believe our desires are speaking through us sometimes. And sometimes they are, but not always. As explained in my other post, all we truly desire is already available for us.

So if we get rid of this ego-based fear, that we make things up to make ourselves feel better, then we are onto something big. Because, you see, we know the truth. Deep within us there's a knowing that years of earthly life, years of conditioning, and tens of past-lives cannot erase. And the fear of the ego itself is only the ego speaking. We need not fear our ego; nor our choices, for our essence will always bring us back to us.

We need not fear our emotions, only be aware of what they are and where they come from. There is a fine line between emotivity and intuition, and the latter is the one we need to listen to. The first is the one we need to process. So we process fear when we listen to the intuition of protecting ourselves. We process hurt, and we listen to the voice that cries out: Trust & believe! We sort through our ego patterns, our disappointments, our emotions and our residual behaviours, in order to become who we really are. Or rather to unravel who we already are.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Welcome Home

I haven’t written much here, as I’m going through so many changes I lost the ability of keeping count. First there was California, and then another route appeared to me. So I am back in my home land, Romania, the land I longed to return to one day and change the world. And yes, there is more to this story, which I promise I will share with you when I’m ready.

The result remains, I am in Romania. In Vaslui, to be exact; my hometown. I was born here [Ummm…not sure, I might have been born in Iasi?]. In any case, this town holds my memories from ages 4 and up. And as I’ve discovered very recently, a ton of good ones. A ton of good memories I had ‘enfuies’ – repressed is the word. Because I left at 11 years old, and then at 13 I left Romania for good. Not sure why I invalidated my stay here in early years, but recently I’ve switched realities more than once and things are always different from what they seem. Good different. 

So I’m here, and I know I have work to do. I can see the inklings of work… spiritual work that is. I’ve never worked on myself more before this experience. Never had to battle my demons more. And I haven’t even been around my family much since I got back. Another set of battles – battling set-in thoughts that have been ruling the world for centuries. I didn’t consciously know it, but I was ready.

They say that you create your reality around you. Well, if I created this, it’s a sweet and sour mess. Dulce-amaruie. I have a feeling I’m going to start blogging in Romanian soon.

And so, another one of my adventures begins. How long before I set sail again, will you ask? I have a feeling this one’s for good. I’m beginning to love this place, a place many think it’s forsaken. I feel it’s blessed – very blessed – and true change is likely to occur here, from inside out. And so, for a while at least, I have no plan B. No city to escape to, no Canadian soil I can go back to (I could, but it would be a waste of my time). However, I do not feel trapped [yet]. There is some comfort in taking the plunge and simply going all in.
To be honest, there are times I lose faith. Sometimes I feel the world is against me, and that ‘god’ is a cruel and uncompassionate being. But I know that it’s not true. All is lessons…all is well.

The most impressive thing that happened to me is when the airport passport check guy said, as he does for millions of others: Bine ati venit! [Welcome (home)]. I actually felt I was home. 

Friday, September 21, 2012

Fighting against thought

The question lately is: how do you fight against the mental? Against someone's mind, or someone's ego, or someone's thoughts? The short answer is, of course, that you cannot. Engaging in mental battles, trying to convince or control, is useless. But still, sometimes you need to win. Sometimes you know the changes you suggest are beneficial for the stubborn bastard. Then what? How do you still fulfill your role in life, and neutralise the effects of someone else's mind? [in a good way, not mind control here. it is extremely hard to see someone struggle and not being able to help because they won't let you. or knowing what they need, and they do not accept it because of their ego and pride reasons]

You can fill them with light. Imagine them in light... all you can. And hope, that one day, they will see the easy path for themselves. The frustrating thing is that once they do, there ain't even a point in telling them "I told you so". Because the time for change was then, when you first told them. And they literally can lose years of their life, years spent in sorrow, because they are stubborn. How can you love them and forgive them the hardships they put themselves through? It's so damn hard to watch...

I guess the only answer to this is: there is nothing or almost nothing you can do for anyone unless they ask for it. And in this lays a lesson for you. A lesson in letting go, in 'lacher-prise', as people here would say. And no matter how sad knowing might be, the simple truth is you cannot, ever, make a choice for someone else. Nor should you. 

Tuesday, September 11, 2012


Happiness is not a word
Nor can it be a sentence
It dwells in the land of the unknown
Where mere thought cannot go
But feeling is master

On either side of it are lust and contempt
Which holler at you sometimes without reason
They have to pray for you to join their ranks
For their reign is always only temporary

Happiness is not a word
Nor is it mere feeling
It knows no bounds; no wife, no children, no death
It is complete in itself, and completes others in turn

Will you choose it? Will you go for it?

Will you be happy?